Again, so long since I've written - back in March. Since then I had the CT scan - the results of which were good, but were a pain in the ass to obtain.
In the "old" days - a year ago - Dr. R would call me the day of or the day following the CT scan so that I "shouldn't worry". This time, I had the scan on Tuesday morning and didn't get results until Friday after 5:00 p.m. The most troubling thing was that I tried calling Dr. R's office over and over, leaving messages, and didn't get a call back for days. Then when I did speak to her, she said she had not received any of the messages. I'm not sure what is more troubling: to think that I left 5 or 6 messages my doctor didn't get - or to think that she got one or more of the messages and didn't find time to call me back for 4 days. Anyway, done now.
I had to reschedule the appointment with Dr. M for a follow-up internal exam because I inadvertently scheduled it for 3:00 in the afternoon. I didn't want to do a bowel prep and then not be able to eat all day, so I rescheduled it for a morning appointment, but that pushed it back to the end of May. Finally I did it. The bowel prep was ... not fun. The internal exam ... sort of inconclusive. He thought once again he detected a "thickening" and asked if I would mind if his colleague also did an exam. What the hell? What's another hand up your vagina anyway - just another 5 fingers. It was a woman doctor, older (e.g., maybe 5 years younger than me or my age), and very nice. She did the exam and said she didn't feel anything unusual. That was a comfort.
To be really careful, though, Dr. M recommended - and I agreed - to go ahead and schedule a colonoscopy - which I've been putting off just because I couldn't stand the idea of yet more doctors, yet more procedures - and when I do the colonoscopy, Dr. M will come in and do another exam under anesthesia (and presumably another biopsy if the exam suggests it would be appropriate); that way I get a two-for: one bowel prep, one anesthesia and 2 procedures. So Dr. M's office made an appointment for me for a consult with a ... bowel doctor (actually a PA). I'll see them in July and agreed to schedule the colonoscopy etc. in September. Dr. M agreed that this is all just being super careful and there is no reason why I can't have a doctor/procedure free summer. Hurrah!
And that's pretty much the cancer-related news - thank god. No more CT scans until next April. Seeing Dr. R in the fall sometime, and not "seeing" Dr. M at the September procedure, but he'll be "seeing" me. I've come to really love Dr. M. On the one hand, he seems very confident that I am doing well. On the other hand, he is clearly very conservative and wants to be very careful to watch for any possible reoccurrence of the cancer. I guess making 2 years post-treatment is "a" milestone, but really that's all. It's hard sometimes to keep in mind, when I feel good, healthy - old and creaky sometimes - but good, that I HAD cancer and therefore my chances of having cancer AGAIN are greater than someone who hasn't had cancer. I still have never asked him - or looked up on the web - to see what "statistics" say the chances of reoccurence are for a cancer such as I had. I continue to think that for the foreseeable future, that information isn't helpful to me. Say the chances that cancer WILL reoccur are 50%. How does knowing that help me? What would I do differently? Assuming the cancer does NOT come back for at least several more years, I sometimes think that there may be a future milestone at which I may want to ask the question and seek the answer. Maybe at 5 years post-treatment; maybe not until 10 years post-treatment. I guess when I find out the odds, I'd like to already pretty much be on the side of having beaten them.
Finally - for anyone who is still even occasionally checking this blog to see if I have posted here, I apologize for the long delay. I think the lead-up to the CT scan, the sort of "semi" results from the February exam by Dr. M, the CT scan, the wait for the results of that, the follow-up internal exam by Dr. M - I just didn't want to sit down and write about it at the time.
I've gotten through it, now, and I kind of look forward to writing about the colonoscopy experience here - that's not exactly true: what is true is that I look forward to having that experience be behind me (no pun intended) and writing about it will mean that that has happened.
But I expect to be posting more often over the coming days, weeks and months, not about my health necessarily, but just generally about my life and thoughts and feelings. I MISS writing here, for myself mostly (and certainly by not writing here, I likely have driven away most of the few people who were regularly checking in). And I understand that this blog began as a way for family and friends to know how I was doing - when facing a life threatening disease. I understand if the pedestrian meanderings of my brain on daily experience do not rivet people. Nonetheless, I'm going to write. Feel free to read if you care to.
Peace. Peace. Peace.
