Saturday morning

I went back to the park today, first time since I went back alone after Jessie died. Today I had our foster dog, Ella, with me. It was good to be back. It was strange to be there with a dog other than Jessie, but still good to greet the creatures. Today the creatures that appeared were limited to ducks - many of them - squirrels - more of them - and at some point, a big gaggle of Canada geese. Literally dozens of them, pushing the Mallards out of their preferred spot close to the shore of the north (big) side of the pond to hog it for themselves (if a goose can be said to 'hog' something). Ella seemed to enjoy being at the park, especially the squirrels.

Ella is a very different dog than Jessie, not just physically - she is a mix of perhaps German Shepherd dog and definitely Greyhound - but personality wise. She is sweet, and more expressively affectionate than Jessie (a grand sign of emotion from Jessie was to push her nose into your arm and possibly, if you were VERY lucky, to lick your hand one time). Ella is capable of sprawling out on the bed or floor, or curling on the couch and vegging out (if a dog can "veg out'), but she is lively when we go outside. She's learning to walk on a leash, but still tends to dance on it a bit. She's mad for squirrels. I can tell Ella has "sight hound" in her (versus "scent hound"). Of course she sniffs around a little as we walk, but not as much as Jessie or other dogs I've known. Instead she is incredibly focused in watching everything around her. She will stare upwards, at the sky, when a flock of crows go overhead. The other night she stared at the moon, which was nearly full, gleaming in the night sky.

News on other fronts - today is the start of a week's vacation for me. Thanksgiving and the day after are holidays at my job, so I took Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off as well. No real plans - except to relax, get to know Ella better, perhaps straighten up the house a little. My oncologist, Dr. M's office called and postponed my November 30 appointment to December 20th. That felt weird - gave rise to a feeling of slight insecurity, as if to stay healthy I needed to see him sooner rather than later. But of course, if he is comfortable that I can wait 3 weeks, I can wait three weeks. So I'll see him 12/20 and then Dr. R in late January at which time I'll make the appointment for the next CT scan, likely in April (which will be 1 year since finishing the chemo/radiation/chemo treatments). I still wonder how cancer survivors measure their survivorship - from their diagnosis (in which case I am One Year out) or from the end of their treatment, which would be April for me. From diagnosis seems to make sense because, in fact, I HAVE survived for one year since my diagnosis. In some ways, it seems much longer; in other ways, the year has flown by. As Thanksgiving approaches, I recall last year's holiday, when I had just started chemo, and I think it was the Friday after Thanksgiving that I went and had my hair shaved off. Now my head is full of curls - chemo curls. When people compliment my hair, I tell them they too can have such curls, all it takes is a few months of chemotherapy! Actually I like my curly hair - I am just trying not to become invested or attached to it, since I understand the effects of chemo on hair often are not permanent.

In the world, madness. Cholera in Haiti. Cholera! Unbelievable. My daughter is planning to go back to Haiti next year, again to volunteer with S.O.I.L. (http://www.oursoil.org/). Perhaps some day I'll be able to go with her. She designed their new 2011 calendar for them - available at the foregoing website. It's a great organization and I encourage all to support it (of course, I'm buying a bunch of the calendars and so some of you may get one from me as a holiday present!)

Then there are the mid-term election results. A pox on all their houses. If government's acts (and omissions) didn't cause and increase real world suffering, I would say the next 2 years might be "fun," in the sense of watching a deadly poisonous snake eat itself tail first.

Being in the park today reminded me that life persists, even when the world seems to turn dark, when tree limbs are bare, and grass and leaves brown and decay, and the air is chill, life hunkers down and reserves itself, and waits patiently for its time to come again, to push out and strive. This is the way of nature, and are we not creatures of nature? Can we learn to be patient, to hunker down when we must but still to have hope, reserve our strength and find our own time, and then stir, rise and strive?

Peace and kindness.

Thursday evening

Another mammogram out of the way. Results fine. Bone scan apparently indicates I have whatever the preliminary to osteoporosis is, so I guess I do need to try to take calcium and vitamin D. At any rate, these are issues that are much easier to deal with than those I faced at this time last year. I realized the other day that I had reached a one year anniversary of the first chemo. I remember how petrified I was. Recalling those feelings in turn recalls all the love, support, compassion and kindness of so many friends and family members that supported me - without each of you I would not have made it through those first dark difficult days, and all the others that followed. I am a lucky human being.

On another front, a strange development. David and I have been missing Jessie so much, herself specifically, and as a representative of all loyal, loving dog friends who make themselves so "present" in the lives they are called on to share. And without any real intention of taking any action, I began a few days ago looking on line at dogs available for adoption in CT. (That's how I first found Jessie - on line under the heading "Urgent!".) And one little dog face struck me some how. A day or so later I sent an email to the contact for this dog, just asking how old the dog was with no intention of anything further. Turns out this dog - who is now called Ella - has a deep story. She is about a year old, some sort of shepherd-mix, tan, a big girl but not huge. She was rescued by an organization called Connecticut Underhound Railroad (I kid you not) from a shelter in Missouri where she was to be killed within a day or so, or even hours. Someone there contacted this organization in CT (as well as dozens of other rescue organizations around the country). Even though the organization here had never rescued any dog from the midwest (they work with "high kill" shelters in the South), something about this particular dog struck the woman who received the email. And one thing led to another. The woman here committed to the volunteer in Missouri to figuring out how to get the dog from Missouri to Maine (where the woman lives). The woman in Missouri arranged to board the dog somewhere in Missouri in the meantime. It took a month or more for the woman here to arrange transportation to bring the dog to Maine (where the woman lives) and a little longer to find a place in Maine to "foster" the dog - a "doggie day care center." Then the organization posted Ella's picture on line as available for adoption, a few weeks ago, I think. And this week, I saw it.

Now David and I may meet Ella this weekend - if arrangements to bring her from Maine can be worked out - and "foster" her for a week or so to see if she likes us and we like her and even might want to adopt her long term. In a way it seems too soon after losing Jessie. In another way, it feels like something that just is supposed to be happening. Even if we decide this is not the dog for us long term, perhaps we will keep her as a "foster" dog for a while. I have to think, that Jessie would approve of us helping another dog in any way, short or long term.

So very many dogs, treated like disposable toys, discarded for any or no reason than convenience. Of course in a world in which human beings treat other human beings - even children - as disposable, how can I be surprised that some would treat "mere" creatures the same and worse. Perhaps one day dogs will evolve (while we humans are still yelling at each other on MSNBC and Fox News) and learn to speak for themselves and rise up, seek justice. They can only improve this world, and I for one will be happy to hand it over to them, to the loyalty, commitment and love they embody every day. Perhaps if I learn to evolve some more myself, one of them will consider me to be "adoptable."

Peace. Kindness and compassion to all creatures, including little Ella.

Saturday morning

A picture from my trip:



I'm home after a full week away. I flew to Nashville, TN on Thursday, Oct. 28th and stayed the night, visiting with Aunt M, Cousin C -- who has fully recovered from her terrible car accident back in July - and a visit from Cousin D and Crazy Larry. Then Friday drove to Atlanta. (I was very nervous about driving to and back from Atlanta, but it worked out okay.) I spent Friday evening through Tuesday evening with my son, daughter-in-law and grandson, who turned four while I was there. My brother John joined us some of the time, too. For my grandson's birthday, my son and I drove with him down to Cordele, GA to "Day Out with Thomas" (Thomas the Train, for the uninitiated). It was about a 2-hour drive each way, but my grandson was SO excited and had such a good time. My son's father (my ex), H, met us there, driving up from the GA coast where he now lives, and my grandson loved having Grandpa there, too. And it was lovely to have the 2-hour ride each way to talk with my son (who kindly did the driving!). Then I drove back to Nashville on Wed and flew home on Thursday. Wed night, we cousins plus Crazy Larry had a rip-roaring game of Triple Yahtzee (used to be my mom's favorite). It reminded me of how good it is to "do" things together, rather than TV-watch. By the end, I was ready to come home. Sleeping on couches and strange beds, living out of a suitcase, being a "guest" - it gets harder as one gets older, I think. But all in all, a lovely week (and very nice to be off of work for 7 work days - I took off the Friday after the day I got home, too).

Now I'm home and the apartment is quiet and empty feeling - no Jessie. Poor David was here by himself for the whole week and I know he really felt Jessie's absence. (Another benefit of going out of town for a week was changing my surroundings which helped - or at least postponed - dealing with losing Jessie.) Yesterday after I got back I went to the vet's office and picked up Jessie's "remains". It made me sad just to drive up to the vet's office and go inside. At some point fairly soon I will scatter her ashes in the park. It's not so much that that was Jessie's "favorite" place. I'm not sure she had a favorite place. She loved being out anywhere, really. But we spent so much time there together over the past year, and I expect to keep spending time there, so going there will be a way to continue to be with Jessie. I'm not quite ready to do the scattering yet. But I don't want to wait too long either.

While I was away, the mid-term elections took place. I saw television again for the first time in 2 months - haven't been missing much, from what I could tell, especially as leading up to election day, the TV was full of nasty election ads. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next 2 years. My grandmother - may she rest in peace - who grows wiser every year that I grow older, used to say "Be careful what you ask for - you might get it!" I would offer the Tea Party and Republicans that same advice. Of course, my main feeling is a pox on all their houses.

Monday I have a mammogram and bone density scan. Then I see Dr. M on November 30th. I think December may be a doctor-free 31 days.

Peace and well-being to each conscious being - 2-legged, 4-legged and no-legged (whales! dolphins!) - on earth.

Tuesday night

I saw Dr. R today and the CT scan results were fine. She referred to me as "healthy". I see her again in late January and as I understand it, we'll schedule another CT scan then to take place 3 months later. That would be April, a year after the end of the chemo. Wow. Time goes by. Better pay attention.

Next up: mammogram in early November and Dr. M at the end of November. Perhaps December will be a medical-appointment free month.

Thanks to all who sent kind words of support as I waited for CT scan results. Dr. R said next time, to call her the day following the scan, and she'll have results. No need to wait almost a week until I see her.

I am sitting here with a lovely image of Jessie dancing before my eyes. She is up there some where - or out there some where, as the case may be in a perfect universe - in doggie heaven. At last she is finally "socialized" appropriately and can now finally play with other dogs, one doggie pleasure she never had in this world. And there my other dear, dear dog friends, Emma and Sabrina, are waiting and greet her, saying, "Hey Jessie. Welcome to the next world. We have a chipmunk waiting with your name on it. Can you beat us to it?" And off they all bound, together, telling doggie tales out of school about life with Laurence Anne.

Peace.

Sunday morning

I went to the park this morning, for the first time in ... I'm not sure ... years ... without Jessie. It was difficult, but good and I thought it was important as a sort of tribute to Jessie. It brought back deep and visceral memories of Jessie. The date is almost exactly one year after my cancer diagnosis and a little more since Jessie and I had begun walking in the park together on a very regular basis. Because the daylight savings time hasn't changed yet (or changed back, I always forget), it was dark when I arrived, despite being 6:30. I walked our regular path, eastern loop, then western loop. That one Canada goose that appears to have been left behind was on the large side of the pond. On my way back, the little duck family that inhabits the small side of the pond was there. Many birds calling out. But still dark, quiet, still. No one else there. I felt sad but also I felt Jessie's presence somehow.

H so kindly asked me if she and M could make a donation in Jessie's memory. We adopted Jessie from the Meriden Humane Society, in Meriden, CT. I tried to look them up on line, but they are a small place and don't seem to have a website. Their street address and phone number are: Meriden Humane Society, 311 Murdock Ave, Meriden, CT 06450-8310
(203) 238-3650 ‎

Another shelter I regularly donate to is the Atlanta Humane Society where I adopted Emma. Their website is: http://www.atlantahumane.org/donate/donate-to-animals.php

Of course, a donation to any organization that helps find homes for unwanted dogs or generally looks out for the non-human members of creation would be a wonderful memorial for Jessie.

Now to learn to live without that cold nose pushing under my arm, saying "Scratch my ears! Take me out! Feed me! Let's go for a ride in the car! Hurry I want to chase the squirrel I just saw outside!" Little by little, I guess.

Tuesday I see Dr. R for CT scan results. Thursday I fly to Nashville and start 11 days (including weekends) of vacation.

As if there were not enough suffering in the world, cholera in Haiti. A link to a Partners In Health website: http://www.pih.org/blog/entry/cholera-outbreak-on-the-ground-in-st-marc

Peace

Saturday morning

She's gone. Jessie is gone. I will write more about the circumstances another time. May Jessie's memory be a blessing for each of us who knew her. She was a good creature who lived life according to her own path. She was a good loyal friend. I just realized that I have spent more hours with Jessie over the past years than with any other living being. In particular, over the past year, she was my constant companion and support. One year ago this past Thursday was my surgery and initial cancer diagnosis. I truly believe I wouldn't have made it through the year without Jessie. May she rest in peace and may I be blessed with the thought that she may run through the woods of another place, sniff the air of another world, chase squirrel-like critters and maybe even catch one. Jessie, Jessie, peace be upon you now and always.

Peace.

Wednesday night

CT scan done. To confess how screwed up we (okay, I should say... "I") get, when the CT scan was done and the technician was putting a band aid on my vein where the contrast dye had been inserted, she was "nice" to me resulting in me thinking, "Oh, she feels sorry for me because she saw something horrible on the scan." Of course, that's unlikely for many reasons. I don't know that the scan "results" were immediately available. I don't know that if they were available, they were available to her, I don't know if they were available to her, that she actually took time to look at them. The whole thing was very fast. But the point is, when she was nice to me, my immediate thought was, "Uh oh ..."

Last couple of days with Jessie up and down, trending down overall. Today she hasn't eaten, at least since this morning. Not good. Maybe tomorrow I will have to go to the vet and get a prescription of steroids and try those. My understanding is that is sort of a last resort, so I want to be sure this isn't another temporary downturn.

I'm glad the CT scan is behind me. Now waiting until 10/26 for the results. Difficult.

Peace, peace to far and near.