Again, so long since I've written - back in March. Since then I had the CT scan - the results of which were good, but were a pain in the ass to obtain.
In the "old" days - a year ago - Dr. R would call me the day of or the day following the CT scan so that I "shouldn't worry". This time, I had the scan on Tuesday morning and didn't get results until Friday after 5:00 p.m. The most troubling thing was that I tried calling Dr. R's office over and over, leaving messages, and didn't get a call back for days. Then when I did speak to her, she said she had not received any of the messages. I'm not sure what is more troubling: to think that I left 5 or 6 messages my doctor didn't get - or to think that she got one or more of the messages and didn't find time to call me back for 4 days. Anyway, done now.
I had to reschedule the appointment with Dr. M for a follow-up internal exam because I inadvertently scheduled it for 3:00 in the afternoon. I didn't want to do a bowel prep and then not be able to eat all day, so I rescheduled it for a morning appointment, but that pushed it back to the end of May. Finally I did it. The bowel prep was ... not fun. The internal exam ... sort of inconclusive. He thought once again he detected a "thickening" and asked if I would mind if his colleague also did an exam. What the hell? What's another hand up your vagina anyway - just another 5 fingers. It was a woman doctor, older (e.g., maybe 5 years younger than me or my age), and very nice. She did the exam and said she didn't feel anything unusual. That was a comfort.
To be really careful, though, Dr. M recommended - and I agreed - to go ahead and schedule a colonoscopy - which I've been putting off just because I couldn't stand the idea of yet more doctors, yet more procedures - and when I do the colonoscopy, Dr. M will come in and do another exam under anesthesia (and presumably another biopsy if the exam suggests it would be appropriate); that way I get a two-for: one bowel prep, one anesthesia and 2 procedures. So Dr. M's office made an appointment for me for a consult with a ... bowel doctor (actually a PA). I'll see them in July and agreed to schedule the colonoscopy etc. in September. Dr. M agreed that this is all just being super careful and there is no reason why I can't have a doctor/procedure free summer. Hurrah!
And that's pretty much the cancer-related news - thank god. No more CT scans until next April. Seeing Dr. R in the fall sometime, and not "seeing" Dr. M at the September procedure, but he'll be "seeing" me. I've come to really love Dr. M. On the one hand, he seems very confident that I am doing well. On the other hand, he is clearly very conservative and wants to be very careful to watch for any possible reoccurrence of the cancer. I guess making 2 years post-treatment is "a" milestone, but really that's all. It's hard sometimes to keep in mind, when I feel good, healthy - old and creaky sometimes - but good, that I HAD cancer and therefore my chances of having cancer AGAIN are greater than someone who hasn't had cancer. I still have never asked him - or looked up on the web - to see what "statistics" say the chances of reoccurence are for a cancer such as I had. I continue to think that for the foreseeable future, that information isn't helpful to me. Say the chances that cancer WILL reoccur are 50%. How does knowing that help me? What would I do differently? Assuming the cancer does NOT come back for at least several more years, I sometimes think that there may be a future milestone at which I may want to ask the question and seek the answer. Maybe at 5 years post-treatment; maybe not until 10 years post-treatment. I guess when I find out the odds, I'd like to already pretty much be on the side of having beaten them.
Finally - for anyone who is still even occasionally checking this blog to see if I have posted here, I apologize for the long delay. I think the lead-up to the CT scan, the sort of "semi" results from the February exam by Dr. M, the CT scan, the wait for the results of that, the follow-up internal exam by Dr. M - I just didn't want to sit down and write about it at the time.
I've gotten through it, now, and I kind of look forward to writing about the colonoscopy experience here - that's not exactly true: what is true is that I look forward to having that experience be behind me (no pun intended) and writing about it will mean that that has happened.
But I expect to be posting more often over the coming days, weeks and months, not about my health necessarily, but just generally about my life and thoughts and feelings. I MISS writing here, for myself mostly (and certainly by not writing here, I likely have driven away most of the few people who were regularly checking in). And I understand that this blog began as a way for family and friends to know how I was doing - when facing a life threatening disease. I understand if the pedestrian meanderings of my brain on daily experience do not rivet people. Nonetheless, I'm going to write. Feel free to read if you care to.
Peace. Peace. Peace.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sunday morning
It's been so long since I wrote here - January 31st I think - that I hardly know where to start. Let's start with cancer-related news.
I saw Dr. M on February 29th. Like Dr. R, he too graduated me to seeing him every 6 months. Except...
Except that during the internal exam he once again thought he felt a "thickening". I mentioned to him that - not to be too too graphic, but remember, this blog began as a way to communicate my experience and feelings about dealing with a cancer diagnosis, so grit your teeth or jump to the next paragraph - I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. To be frank, that I either had to take a crap or pass gas. He was actually happy to hear it, thought that might be what he was encountering. So he asked me to come back another day, after using a bowel prep the night before. I asked if it would be okay to wait until after the CT scan - scheduled for April 16 - and he said sure.
So the CT scan is on April 16 - that will be my 2 year post-treatment CT scan. And I made an appointment to see him on April 18 but since then I've been scheduled to attend a 6 hour meeting at work that conflicts with my appointment with Dr. M, so I need to call him and reschedule it.
As the CT scan date approaches, again I feel that place in the back of my throat and in my chest, the tightening up, the flutter in my stomach, from time to time. I've just gotten over 2 bouts of "illness" - first a regular head cold, and then 10 days later, something more flu-like, 36 hours of fever, chills, ending with chest congestion that I"m still feeling the lingering effects of. The good thing about being "sick" is that it's kept my mind off of other, deeper fears. Actually, although I feel the nervousness stirring and beginning to rise, like sap in the early days of spring, I actually in some weird way look forward to this CT scan. First, because it is a true milestone, the first chronological milestone the medical profession seems to mark: 2 years post treatment. Second, related to that, it means no further CT scan for 12 months. And only 2 doctor visits in the intervening months.
So that's the cancer news.
Other news, let's see, the 200 residents of Alligator, Mississippi, where my father was born, elected their first black mayor by a decisive vote of 37 to 27, I think.
The Republican primary rolls out across the months like some coldly reptilian slithering snake. It does appear to have turned back on itself, found a juicy morsel of "prey" to feed upon and is now busy swallowing its own head and consuming itself. Nonetheless, I find I have boundless faith in the Democrats - that is, in their ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. My grandmother, whom we called Big Mama, used to tell me: We're all entitled to be wrong. Indeed.
Green is creeping out the branches of trees, silently signaling spring - which newly arrived migrating birds are joyously announcing. Seems early, but I haven't gone back and looked at this blog from last year to check dates. I do know that I saw the first robin in the park as long ago March 6, and red winged blackbirds on the same day. Ella and I were at the park Friday (I took the day off), yesterday and again this morning. Many, many robins, red winged blackbirds, downy and hairy woodpeckers, black capped chickadees, and other birds I heard but didn't see. Spring is a feast for the ears.
Peace.
I saw Dr. M on February 29th. Like Dr. R, he too graduated me to seeing him every 6 months. Except...
Except that during the internal exam he once again thought he felt a "thickening". I mentioned to him that - not to be too too graphic, but remember, this blog began as a way to communicate my experience and feelings about dealing with a cancer diagnosis, so grit your teeth or jump to the next paragraph - I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. To be frank, that I either had to take a crap or pass gas. He was actually happy to hear it, thought that might be what he was encountering. So he asked me to come back another day, after using a bowel prep the night before. I asked if it would be okay to wait until after the CT scan - scheduled for April 16 - and he said sure.
So the CT scan is on April 16 - that will be my 2 year post-treatment CT scan. And I made an appointment to see him on April 18 but since then I've been scheduled to attend a 6 hour meeting at work that conflicts with my appointment with Dr. M, so I need to call him and reschedule it.
As the CT scan date approaches, again I feel that place in the back of my throat and in my chest, the tightening up, the flutter in my stomach, from time to time. I've just gotten over 2 bouts of "illness" - first a regular head cold, and then 10 days later, something more flu-like, 36 hours of fever, chills, ending with chest congestion that I"m still feeling the lingering effects of. The good thing about being "sick" is that it's kept my mind off of other, deeper fears. Actually, although I feel the nervousness stirring and beginning to rise, like sap in the early days of spring, I actually in some weird way look forward to this CT scan. First, because it is a true milestone, the first chronological milestone the medical profession seems to mark: 2 years post treatment. Second, related to that, it means no further CT scan for 12 months. And only 2 doctor visits in the intervening months.
So that's the cancer news.
Other news, let's see, the 200 residents of Alligator, Mississippi, where my father was born, elected their first black mayor by a decisive vote of 37 to 27, I think.
The Republican primary rolls out across the months like some coldly reptilian slithering snake. It does appear to have turned back on itself, found a juicy morsel of "prey" to feed upon and is now busy swallowing its own head and consuming itself. Nonetheless, I find I have boundless faith in the Democrats - that is, in their ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. My grandmother, whom we called Big Mama, used to tell me: We're all entitled to be wrong. Indeed.
Green is creeping out the branches of trees, silently signaling spring - which newly arrived migrating birds are joyously announcing. Seems early, but I haven't gone back and looked at this blog from last year to check dates. I do know that I saw the first robin in the park as long ago March 6, and red winged blackbirds on the same day. Ella and I were at the park Friday (I took the day off), yesterday and again this morning. Many, many robins, red winged blackbirds, downy and hairy woodpeckers, black capped chickadees, and other birds I heard but didn't see. Spring is a feast for the ears.
Peace.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday night
A milestone: I saw Dr. R this afternoon. My next CT scan will be at the end of April but - BUT - but I don't see Dr. R again until July - I have graduated to seeing her every 6 months. How about them apples?
As I walked from the cancer center, the sun was setting, the sky glowed that shimmering blue fading slowly to black except in the west, glowing pink-red-orange. Overhead a murder of crows flew from north north west to south south east. Flew and flew and flew. They were continuously streaming overhead for the entire 25 minutes I stood and waited for my bus. How many were there? Thousands upon thousands I'm sure. Where were they going? Do they fly in family groups? Where were they? Why did they leave?
Now that the Republicans are - presumably - leaving Florida since the primary is over, perhaps the crows have decided to really go south.
I'm grateful for good news today. I'm grateful for good doctors, for having a job, for having health insurance, for being ... healthy.
Peace.
As I walked from the cancer center, the sun was setting, the sky glowed that shimmering blue fading slowly to black except in the west, glowing pink-red-orange. Overhead a murder of crows flew from north north west to south south east. Flew and flew and flew. They were continuously streaming overhead for the entire 25 minutes I stood and waited for my bus. How many were there? Thousands upon thousands I'm sure. Where were they going? Do they fly in family groups? Where were they? Why did they leave?
Now that the Republicans are - presumably - leaving Florida since the primary is over, perhaps the crows have decided to really go south.
I'm grateful for good news today. I'm grateful for good doctors, for having a job, for having health insurance, for being ... healthy.
Peace.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday morning
First, photos from Honduras, from Melina and the boys' visit to family there (Cach and his cousin, Gracia! And little Cello-growing!)
Now back to today:
Ella and I went to the park this morning, a little after sunrise. I think we've been going too early; the light of the sun, newly risen, was beautiful. It was brisk but not really cold. Cold enough apparently for the skim of ice on the pond to mostly stick. I was happy to hear the laughing duck this morning as we got out of the car - it's been colder when we've been there lately and the ducks were not visible, making me wonder where they "go". Still the little group of Mallards was confined to a small portion of the lower pond where the ice was melted. Good to see them though.
I see Dr. R on Tuesday afternoon, just the regular blood work and checkup, but I realize the white noise stress is in the background of my consciousness, level rising ever so slightly as the day approaches (and since she postponed 10 days ago or so to this coming Tuesday, the incremental increasing has continued). Once again I realize that in the days/weeks leading up to the appointment, every odd ache or pang or twinge becomes further static in that white noise stress. I'm wondering when you come to trust your body and your mental experience of your body again. It's not that I'm consumed by stress or worry; it's just that it's ... there ... in the background .. like people who have the condition of hearing ringing in their ears all the time. I'm writing about it not because it's especially BAD right now, but because it is apparent to me, I'm conscious of it, and I'm wondering when - or if - it will fade and become part of my background consciousness and be indistinguishable.
My son Sam stopped by for a quick overnight visit on his way from NY/NJ, where he was working, to Boston, where he visits a friend with whom he is collaborating on a new documentary. It was a really nice, if short, visit. My daughter Corinne continues her work in Haiti, planning to stay for 6 months; it seems difficult, rewarding, frustrating, intense, occasionally inspirational, all at once. Yet the rest of her life calls.
Isn't that true for any of us paying attention. What next? It's important to ask, without being paralyzed by the question so that we lose today, which is actually the only real life we live. Still as I enter my seventh decade, I need remind myself.
I've been enjoying - in a perverse sense - the Republican primary race, if watching the stupidity, moral degeneracy, arrogance, and general cluelessness of the species acting out in front of you can be said to be "enjoyable". Not that I'd expect more from the "liberal," "left," "Democratic" side of the American political spectrum. Still, can it hurt to smile and even laugh out loud when the alternative is to weep?
Peace, peace, far and near, Soon, if not soon enough.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thursday - 2 year anniversary
Two years ago this morning, the Haitian people woke up to an earthquake - except the 300,000 that died, and the 500,000 that still live in "shelters" - if you call living in a tropical area subject to wind and rain under a tarp living in "shelter." Please do not forget. Please watch this video and read these articles.
lhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PfTBMeT921c
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/11/haiti-earthquake-recovery_n_1197730.html#s603514&title=Watch_Related_Video
http://www.counterpunch.org/2012/01/03/haiti-after-the-quake/
Please do what you can.
If not now, when?
If not us, who?
lhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PfTBMeT921c
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/11/haiti-earthquake-recovery_n_1197730.html#s603514&title=Watch_Related_Video
http://www.counterpunch.org/2012/01/03/haiti-after-the-quake/
Please do what you can.
If not now, when?
If not us, who?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Wednesday evening
I was to have seen Dr. R on Tuesday afternoon. Monday afternoon her office called and left a message, canceling; no reason given except she is unable to make the appointment. They told me the new appointment would be next week at 1:30. I called them back, of course not reaching a human being, and left a message to say I can't make a 1:30 appointment; I need the latest appointment available (so I don't have to take a whole or even half day vacation). Long and short, the appointment is now rescheduled for January 31.
I'm not feeling especially stressed about this visit. This is my mid-scan cycle appointment that involves blood tests and a visit/exam by Dr. R. Generally not invasive (unless you consider needles for blood letting invasive, something I no longer do). But somehow I am conscious that this appointment is the turning of the cycle from the good news-based optimism immediately after a "good scan" coasting along until the time to the next scan is shorter than the time since the prior one. That's where I am now. Midway between scans. That means every day brings me closer to the next scan. The next scan - toward the end of April - is a big one. It marks my two year anniversary post-treatment. Assuming it goes well - and I have no reason to believe it will not - then I believe I will go from visits with both doctors every 3 months to visits every 6 months, and from scans every 6 months to 1 scan a year. Two years NED (no evidence of disease) is an important milestone. The first. The next big one will be five years.
Anyway, that's where things stand.
Meanwhile, cat-sitting - actually, not sitting, just stopping by twice a day - for a couple of days for my friend H's new kittens, Pearl and Paulie (who began life as Polly until the first vet visit indicated Paulie might be more appropriate). Not sure exactly how old they are now - but definitely still kittens, 3 months maybe! If watching a couple of kittens tumble around and wrestle and drag a toy "bird" around and pounce on it and anything else that moves - if that doesn't put a smile on your face, then just take a few minutes to enjoy the Republican battle for the presidential nomination.
Peace
I'm not feeling especially stressed about this visit. This is my mid-scan cycle appointment that involves blood tests and a visit/exam by Dr. R. Generally not invasive (unless you consider needles for blood letting invasive, something I no longer do). But somehow I am conscious that this appointment is the turning of the cycle from the good news-based optimism immediately after a "good scan" coasting along until the time to the next scan is shorter than the time since the prior one. That's where I am now. Midway between scans. That means every day brings me closer to the next scan. The next scan - toward the end of April - is a big one. It marks my two year anniversary post-treatment. Assuming it goes well - and I have no reason to believe it will not - then I believe I will go from visits with both doctors every 3 months to visits every 6 months, and from scans every 6 months to 1 scan a year. Two years NED (no evidence of disease) is an important milestone. The first. The next big one will be five years.
Anyway, that's where things stand.
Meanwhile, cat-sitting - actually, not sitting, just stopping by twice a day - for a couple of days for my friend H's new kittens, Pearl and Paulie (who began life as Polly until the first vet visit indicated Paulie might be more appropriate). Not sure exactly how old they are now - but definitely still kittens, 3 months maybe! If watching a couple of kittens tumble around and wrestle and drag a toy "bird" around and pounce on it and anything else that moves - if that doesn't put a smile on your face, then just take a few minutes to enjoy the Republican battle for the presidential nomination.
Peace
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday morning
Odd weather - shirt sleeves in mid-January in New England. Mother Nature is having a hot flash. Does that mean she is menopausal?
Posting really to share this link to a clip from a documentary in the works about a very special school in Georgia. Gives me hope. Keeps the sun in my sky.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ctqfilms/a-place-in-the-world
Please go and share.
Peace.
Posting really to share this link to a clip from a documentary in the works about a very special school in Georgia. Gives me hope. Keeps the sun in my sky.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ctqfilms/a-place-in-the-world
Please go and share.
Peace.
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