Saturday morning

They're back! The ducks - at least about a dozen of them - are back at the pond. What a difference a couple of weeks makes.

But before I write about that, I want to let everyone know that I'm feeling much better. I did go to work on Wednesday, and although I was tired and suffering the normal (get that? NORMAL) effects of a cold, I was actually present in my own skin all day, having passed out the other side of that feeling of experiencing everything as if under water. Each day after that I felt better, although my cold got worse. On Thursday I got my blood counts; all "fine" according to Nurse E. She also advised me to take Mucinex rather than the cold tablet I was taking. So I did, with the result that the stuffy head and running nose effects came back. Just really odd that each day as my cold symptoms worsened, I felt better - not just psychologically better, but physically better, I guess because last weekend and Monday in particular, I was reeling from the joint impact of chemo side effects and the cold. Anyway, who knew it was possible to feel so happy - and even physically better - to have a plain old cold. Thanks to all who called, wrote, and otherwise checked on me over the past week. I think Monday really was a nadir in this whole cancer experience. I felt so bad and I thought I was going to be like that for 6 more weeks. The love and care of friends is a main reason I made it through that rough time.

This morning Jessie and I went to the park. We went to the park! It was unbelievably great. First, we got there earlier than I've been going, but with the sun coming up earlier that was possible. First thing, we head toward the pond and I hear them - the ducks, my raucously loud bickering duck friends are back. (There is still ice on the pond, but in broken pieces of thin flaky skim like bits of cold fat that break up gradually on the surface of a warming soup pot. On both sides of the pond, the remaining ice is concentrated on one side, probably the water is just enough colder there because of the curve in how the rising sun hits the pond surface to cause the ice there to hang on longer.) We walked up toward the small side of the pond and there I see a new creature - not sure what, possibly muskrat, I don't think it would be a beaver or an otter - swimming in the pond, just a little head above water, powerful strokes, creating v-shaped ripples. It probably smelled Jessie and disappeared quickly. We moved back slightly and waited. It didn't reappear. We crossed to the bigger side of the pond to see the ducks. About a dozen, male and female, circling, bickering, chasing in smaller groups. It was great to see them. We walked the north loop. All the snow and ice is gone. The ground is heavy with moisture, soft, squishy. The trees are still completely bare, but birds are out on the bare limbs, singing. For the first time, I think, since all this cancer stuff began, I felt as if there will be an afterwards, that spring will come - to the park and to me. I felt joy. Later Jessie and I walked back to the pond for another look. I saw the new creature again, not close enough to be sure what it is - I think a muskrat - but it's big. Although only its head was above water, it swam fast and the v-shaped ripples were big, indicating a big body under the water. I hope it stays. Meanwhile, the ducks were quiet. Interestingly, at least three pairs/couples had formed, male and female, and were off doing their own circling duets, male following female. I guess all the bickering earlier was about those pairings. Perhaps I saw the beginnings of courtships.

At any rate, I feel full of possibility. Yes, the ground is still cold and damp. Yes, the trees are still bare. Yes, the pond still is dotted with ice. But life stirs and that raises hope like sap. Let spring come.

Peace.