First things first. Today I actually saw the heron and got a couple of photos of her. Don't know how they'll show up on this blog but won't know until we try. So here goes:As soon as I had taken these photos, my camera crashed - well, just that awful message that says WARNING YOUR BATTERY IS KAPUT. Or whatever. Anyway, the heron exists!
I'm getting ready to leave early tomorrow morning to drive to Maine to Wooden Boat School to attend a boat building class, "Lofting." I'm nervous. Naturally. Part of my nervousness is just anticipation, actually pleasurable. This will be my third year at WBS. First year, a sailing class. Last year, the "build your own daysailer" class. Now Lofting. Partly I'm anxious because Lofting is esoteric and notoriously difficult. But I'm not taking the class to "do" anything with it, so I can't really fail at it. Still I remember last year, as the only woman in the class (which likely will be true again this year) that I felt intimidated by the background knowledge that all the men had - how to use this tool and that tool, maybe not for the specific purpose of that class, but in general - where I hadn't even seen many of the tools before, let alone used them. This year the tools are less intimdating - pencil compass, dividers, straight edge, measuring tape, combination square, framing square, hammer, pencils, colored pencils, notebook.
As the days have passed and the time to drive up to Maine has neared I found some level of anxiety increasing that doesn't seem to have to do with the foregoing. And I think it is tied to the fact that last year, when I went to WBS for the class, I was experiencing the "problem" that ultimately led to the discovery of my cancer, surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. Oddly I had had the problem occasionally before I went to Maine last year, and during the entire week I was up there - nothing - I was fine. And then when I came back, the condition worsened, almost suddenly, and that's what sent me to the doctor for the first tests, and other procedures that led to ... well .. we all know what. And so somehow I think there is some association in my thinking, emotions, memories - of going to Maine and coming back and getting cancer.
Of course I know, intellectually, there is no association except temporally and circumstantially. But the brain is in charge of the emotions like a cowboy rides a bucking bronco - occasionally, for short times and with difficulty. So maybe it helps to identify what might be the source of this low-level background anxiety I've been feeling about the trip this year. Because on top of it is great pleasurable anticipation. I love it at WBS. I loved camping last year. I like meeting the people, being challenged in the class.
Another thing that perhaps lies below the surface is the fact that 2 days after I get back I have another "check up," this time with Dr. M. Should be not a big deal. But I have not reached - do we ever truly reach - the point where I can be nonchalant about "surviving" cancer.
I don't know if I'll be able to post from Maine. I don't plan to take my computer, but I think there is a computer available to check email and so on. I will take photos and write notes and post when I get back.
In the meantime, may all the world know the joy and peace of "vacation" - in health and in peace.
Peace. Now. Please.
No comments:
Post a Comment