Okay, that's the way it goes. For the last several weeks I've been taking my little digital camera to the park on the weekends and snapping a few photos, always hoping, waiting, hoping to see the heron and get a picture (in fact, it was Crazy L down in N'ville who suggested I try to get a photo of her). So this morning, when the weather up here finally breaks through the hazy heat and cools to the point of having a soupcon of autumn's crispness, I think to myself "Why drag out that little camera again? I haven't seen the heron and then I spend my walk thinking about having the camera ready in case I do see her, or one of the foxes. No, this morning I will just walk."
So first thing, we arrive, get out of the car and walk over to the pond. And there she is, on our near side of the pond, on the shore, our heron standing tall and green/grey/blue among the squatty ducklings. And there we are. No camera. And that's the way it goes.
No foxes this morning. Last weekend one fox ran across the road that circles the park, about 15 yards in front of us. Later a jogger called out as she ran past us, "Be careful! There are 3 foxes out there!" Three? I've only seen two Be careful? Does she think they will attack us? Perhaps she thought that Jessie might go after them, and she is very interested in them and if she were off leash, indeed, she might give chase. But in a fight between my Labrador Recliner and a wild-but-suburban fox, I would actually give the fox the edge. Ergo, she's right - be careful.
A couple of months ago, I think I pooh-poohed Dr. R's statement that I would "notice a difference" in "about 4 months." It has been 4 months since my last chemo treatment and I do really now notice a difference. My fatigue seems almost back to normal, meaning as usual for a 60 year old not in great shape woman. But basically I feel good. I get so many compliments on my "haircut" - ha, no "cut" this - from so many quarters. And I do like having my hair so short. Still haven't used a comb or brush - not since November of last year! (To think a year ago I was considering getting my hair cut "short" (which ended up being about 3 times as long as it is now) and was all anxious about it. At any rate, now the only question for me is finding someone to cut it periodically to keep it short). The main lingering and annoying side effect of the chemo is the neuropathy in my feet - still feel like the balls and pads of toes on both feet are wearing cotton padding, half-numb, semi-swollen feeling, weird. Worse in the heat. For a while it seemed to be improving (affected more of each foot after the final chemo and gradually improved until only affecting the balls and toes--but it's stayed that way for a while).
Last week I finally was able to get together with a friend with whom I've wanted to have lunch for many many months. Now only to learn she has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer herself, has had surgery and now faces chemo and radiation, We talked and I hope sharing my experiences was helpful, but afterwards I realized even from 4 months out, I look at my journey through cancer diagnosis, surgery, chemo, radiation and more chemo - from hindsight already. After we had lunch I gave her the address for this blog. Later I read some of the early posts here again for the first time. I was struck by what now seemed like a bright red cord of fear/anxiety woven through the overall fabric of my emotions - humor, bravery (or a good imitation), compassion, and always that undercurrent But I made it through, in large part I know (and knew then, too, I hope) because of family and friends who were just outstanding. Anyway, don't they say that bravery isn't not being afraid, it's going on when you are afraid. Somehow I managed. I think my friend R will manage, too. She is strong. There are people who care about her, I among them.
You know, it's a lesson from cancer for life, I guess, we don't have to figure it all out now, face every fear, deal with every problem today. Today, just today. One step. If it's too much, slow down even more. Share with someone. If there's no one, write it down, get it out. Find a park. A pond. A heron.
Peace.
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