Friday night

Okay, I am a slug. I admit it. And a warning - this is a LONG post.

It has been weeks since I wrote. I have often thought about it. Intended to. Wanted to. Even started to. And then the slug portion of me rose up and took charge and I did not do it. I have sometimes gone days without checking my email. It's true that in the interregnum I had a bad cold that lasted almost 10 days, but ... really ... a cold?

I think part of what stills my rapidly typing fingers is no longer having a real day to day sense of people reading this. Except J. Who does so with regularity and comments, not here, but in separate email messages to me. (J - here's a message just for you: congratulations on receiving the requests to send out parts of the book to be read by those publishers. It will happen! I hope soon. And naturally I hope this is the one that makes you rich - if not famous!) It's not that I really write here for an "audience". In the beginning I wrote here to share updates about the cancer-battle with family and friends, that's true. But soon I found that writing here was for me, too, and even for me, more than for others. Gradually over time, I guess daily life has caught up and filled my physical, intellectual and emotional spaces. I feel myself yearning to write here, but being tired. Etc.

I still think there is value to this experience. For me, even if most of my family and friends are not following closely or have stopped all together. The thing is, the cancer experience is on-going. And this blog is a witness and will someday provide a record of the journey. In just about a month, I have my next CT scan - April 15th. That will be almost a year to the day after finishing chemo and having my first benchmarking CT scan. A year post-treatment. A year NED (no evidence of disease). That is a milestone.

I did see Dr. M on the follow-up Monday visit. But ironically I saw him before then, too. That Sunday afternoon I was in the local pet store buying dog food and treats and a guy in line behind me says, "Hello. I'm going to see you soon, aren't I?" I knew I knew him, but couldn't figure out from where (he was wearing jeans, a coat and hat). He said, "Dr. M." So I had the opportunity to tell him that I was upset about having been rescheduled 5 times. I asked him what the best day, the best time to schedule future appointments was to avoid having them cancelled. Tuesday mornings he said. Of course, at least one of the rescheduled appointments was on Tuesday morning. However, the appointment went fine. I do like going to see him. His attitude about my health fills me with confidence. He radiates belief that I am well, healthy and done with cancer. It's not that he says those exact words. But that is the feeling I get. (Whereas with Dr. R I get the feeling of being guarded fiercely by a mother hen who is concerned that something could happen to me and determined to protect me from it.) The combination of their approaches works for me. I don't think Dr. M is the real problem; I think his staff is incompetent. (Remember the woman who blurted out that Dr. M "recommended chemo and radiation" when I was asking whether he recommended seeing me in person or talking to me by phone?) There's been quite a turnover in the 18 months I've been going to see him. So if he has a problem, it may be in staff management.

Today's news was the 8.9 earthquake and tsunami in Japan. This "natural" disaster (quotation marks because manmade circumstances make nature's events worse) follows on the heels of continuing upheaval in the middle east, Libya becoming the latest focus of international attention. If the US weren't already bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan, I could see Libya leading to intervention. Meanwhile the skunk in Wisconsin pulls underhanded strings and forces through the anti-union measures. And then stands up and sticks out his bony white chest and brags about it. Interesting article in recent New York Times about "inaccuracies" in NJ governor Christie's "claims" about public employees. For example, they don't pay any of their health care costs - when they have done so for years, etc. Like Frankenstein versions of the robin I saw today, these guys are the ugly harbingers of a Republican "spring" we may one day wake up to. If we Americans don't put down our IPhones and IPads and pay attention. If we don't DO something besides stuff our faces and follow Lady Gaga on Twitter.

I think that the reason that my two favorite genres of "light" fiction are legal thrillers and science fiction is that one offers a world in which evil abounds but justice can triumph and the other offers worlds beyond this one entirely, where humanity has survived its greatest challenge... itself... often to take that challenge to other worlds.

The weather report tonight forecast 7 days of over 40 degree (Fahrenheit) temperatures. Perhaps the ground will finally dry out. Perhaps the sun will shine. The birds are singing high in the bare branches of trees and hidden in thick brambles of leafless bushes. Even though I can't see them, I know they are there. I believe in them. They believe in Spring.

Peace.