Monday morning

Well, I'm back after a rough weekend. Sorry if the regularity of my prior postings followed by a 2 day gap caused any of you, my sweet family and friends, to worry. I'm okay.

To pick up from Friday afternoon's post, Friday evening the predicted bone/joint pain side effect of the NuLasta shot began kicking in. I took a Motrin and that helped some, but when I went to bed, the pain seemed to be increasing a lot and I really dreaded not getting any sleep, so about 10 pm I took a Percocet. As a result I slept well, some discomfort but it definitely took the edge off the real deep bone pain. The problem with the Percocet - as I guess everyone in the world other than I already knew - is that it causes constipation. I was already well down that road, likely as a result of the chemo drugs generally and the Compizine I took on Wed night for nausea. So by Saturday I was suffering big time from constipation. The weather was rainy, so I didn't take Jessie to the park in the morning. It wasn't too bad a day; I was uncomfortable, residual bone/joint aches/pain, increasingly bloated feeling, but nothing terrible. But as the day went along, the constipation plagued me more and more. By that evening, I was really worried about it. I ended up calling the oncologist on call at the hospital on Saturday night, and she told me I could take a laxative; in fact, to start with 1 pill, if that didn't work, take another, and another up to 4 pills total. So I took 1 pill before bed; another one when I was still tossing and turning 3 hours later; I slept some and took another one at 6 am. I guess I over did it.

The result was that on Sunday I began the day able to use the bathroom one time, and that was it, and only with much effort. Meanwhile, my insides felt like they were being torn up. And to top it off, I starting vomiting (a reminder that this is to be an uncensored - well, almost uncensored - blog). As vomiting goes, it wasn't terrible. I hadn't eaten much on Saturday - afraid of being stopped up - and I ate nothing at all on Sunday, so there wasn't much to come up. It actually did make me feel better. I spent the entire day on the couch clutching a big blue bucket or leaning over it. David was here and caring for me, while also rebuilding his "new" bike. It was comforting to hear the sounds he made has he clanked wrenches, and pulled wheels and did other stuff. But he was always there for me, too. The worst part was that I felt weaker and weaker; I did try to drink water and soda. I was worried about becoming dehydrated.

By late yesterday afternoon, I actually started to feel a little better, well enough that I asked David to make me a piece of toast. It took me an hour to eat that one piece of toast and I couldn't quite finish it. But it seemed to mark a turning point. No more vomiting after that. (I think the vomiting was the result of some reaction to the laxative, nothing else.) I began to feel just slightly alive and aware of things through the evening. David heated some chicken soup and I ate a little broth. That helped, too, I think. I went to bed feeling very very weak but much better. I tossed some, but mostly slept through.

I woke up - surprise surprise - with diarrhea, but to tell the truth, that was a real relief. It's gotten better over the morning. I'm trying to get my strength back by eating - yogurt, toast and some scrambled eggs so far - and drinking fluids.

What gets me about the whole experience is that it didn't even seem to have to do directly with the chemo, only indirectly - NuLasta, side effect pain, pain killer, side effect constipation, laxative, side effects vomiting, cramps, and eventually diarrhea- and the 18 hours of this has left me feeling so incredibly weak and depleted. But worse than the physical feelings, is a feeling of vulnerability. This is ALL new to me. I've never taken pain killers or dealt with their side effects. I've never taken laxatives and have no way to judge their impact on me. I feel like I wasted some of the days I should have been feeling "good" (relatively) dealing with this whole physical cul d'sac - and that pisses me off. I want to own every single good day. I know there will inevitably be bad days, bad days truly tied to the chemo and radiation. Why rush into that state? Soon enough it will be here to be dealt with.

So for today, my goal is to get my strength back and put the weekend behind me. I hope to feel strong enough to take Jessie to the park tomorrow morning and find out what the heron has been up to without my watchful eye.

Peace.