Well, Jessie and I didn't make it to the park yesterday (Sunday) morning. I wasn't feeling great and there wasn't much snow, just a sprinkling but enough to have made some icy sidewalks. I decided to stick close to home. I did make it to K's baby shower with J on Saturday afternoon. We didn't stay until the end, but I think it meant a lot to K that we came. I was glad to be able to go.
One thing I learned this weekend is that the "bad" weekend I had after my first chemo was not all related to the constipation-diarrhea-vomiting-cramps phenomenon. That weekend, too, I must have also been experiencing the beginnings of the side effects of the chemo, they were just masked by how sick I felt from the other. So this past weekend, without the masking, I learned that the chemo (plus the NuLasta shot, hard to tell what side effects come from what) makes me very tired, somewhat shaky (like when you have low blood sugar), the steroids make me feel hungry all the time but not really knowing what I want to eat. Probably the most significant "side effect" was how tired I felt. I had (still am having) some bone pain, but it hasn't been debilitating. I found myself on edge, though, worrying about side effects from the drugs they give you to deal with chemo side effects (for example, there are some serious potential side effects of the NuLasta shot). It's like circles within circles. You put off worrying about the effect of the chemo by taking another drug, only to worry about its effect.
I did have a lovely long talk with my daughter and also spoke with both V and H this weekend. And, in any event, despite the tiredness, bone pain and shakiness, I did quite a lot. David and I are still cleaning up the apartment in preparation for the kids coming. I actually went through my bedroom closet - how often does one do that - including a bunch of old bills and other paper I had stored in there. I did a couple loads of laundry and went to the store. Given that I didn't feel great, actually I got a lot done.
Today I have my "meet and greet" with Dr. V, my radiologist. I have 2 main goals: first, to confirm that I can set the radiology appointments for late in the day, which is the advice I've been given by those who've gone through radiation (it makes you tired; do it at the end of your day so you can go home and collapse). Late in the day will also let me work every day before the appointment. Second goal, to find out at least approximately when it will start - is there a 3 week break between my 3rd chemo on Dec 23 and the start of the radiation? This matters only because it gives me some sense of how long this whole thing is going to last.
Maybe it's just the ebb and flow of the whole treatment process, but going through chemo #2 and at least the beginnings of its side effects, I have felt a little depressed again. I find myself worrying about the cumulative effects of the whole treatment process. Perhaps these feelings are stirred up partly by the fact that my hair is almost gone now. All that's left is some patches of grey fuzz, but rubbing off in places so there are balding spots. My poor skull seems such a symbol of the accumulation of the effects of the chemo. I worry about being able to bounce back from each treatment. It seemed like I was more tired this time than after chemo #1, and I worry that by the end, I'll be so tired I won't be able to do anything. I even worry in the back of my little mind - what if this doesn't "cure" me and this becomes a way of life for years to come.
But I'm not freaking out. I'm really okay. These are just feelings I'm having. They poke their little noses up in my consciousness along side of my feelings of anticipation about the kids' visit, about spending a week with my grandson, about the glorious full moon we had last week, through which I walked Jessie in the dusk and saw the sky turn almost green across the horizon shading to blue and black above, stars coming out, bare tree limbs like lace.
I am doing okay.
Peace.
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