Sunday night

Finally - Jessie and I made it to the park this morning. Perhaps not the optimum day to go. It was about 12-14 degrees (without the wind chill and the wind was really blowing) and snowing lightly. The good thing about that was that when we arrived, the park was empty of other people. The bad thing - it was f****ing cold They had spread salt on the roads inside the park and poor Jessie got salt in her foot pads. She hates that. To avoid the salt on the roads and paths, we had to walk in the snow, which was okay except I worried about icy patches under the new snow. It did look pristine. And it was completely silent, and apparently empty of wildlife. Except a few birds calling, and the omnipresent squirrels. And us. The pond was not only covered with ice, but the ice lay under a coverlet of snow. It was beautiful. To call it an invigorating walk would be .. I guess accurate ... once my numb fingers thawed, I guess they were invigorated.

I had a good weekend, feeling better every day. When I went for the blood work, I asked Nurse E about taking the B vitamins and magnesium. She said to continue doing so, at least until I go in on the 13th to see Dr. R's PA. This Thursday - the 7th - I have my "planning" session for the radiation therapy. I am to have a CT scan - so they know where everything that is still left in my abdomen is located, and then also I think get a few "dots" tattooed on me. There was some other stuff Dr. VR told me about magic marker lines that they would put on my abdomen that I should not try to scrub off, but which would eventually wear off - I think. To tell the truth, they gave me a little print out of info about radiation and I stuck it in the plastic folder with the other cancer info and haven't looked at it again. (At that point I still had 2 more chemo sessions to go and I just wasn't ready to learn more details about radiation.) I guess I need to get it out and read it.

I've been thinking a little bit about what it means to "have cancer" or "have had cancer," but not a lot. I recognize that the knowledge of it weighs on me, but more like clouds high up in the sky forecasting weather to come, not bringing today's weather. Meaning it's something I need to think about and face at some point. What it will mean when I have finished the "treatment protocol" and go back to living a "normal" life, normal life but with a difference, with the knowledge that I have HAD cancer and the big whammy: the cancer could come back. I am not ready to really think about that yet. But still, on days like today, when I feel basically okay, no surgery or chemo side effects dogging my heels, the next treatment still a week away, and only my poor bald head to flag my circumstances, it is tempting to imagine, for a second, it is all behind me and I am normal again. Except I will never be normal again in that way. Dr. M said I'd see him every 3 months for at least 2 years. That is every 90 days. Dr. R mentioned having me go for genetic counseling - because 3 of my cousin C's 4 daughter's have had cancer as well as my mother (breast cancer twice, although that's not what she ultimately died of). Okay, that's enough thinking about that.

This week will be my first 5-day week at 3/4 time - 6 hours a day. If the radiation planning session goes as I expect, next week radiation will start. Right now I feel ready for it. Let's see how I feel when I read that printed material.

Peace.