Monday morning

A good weekend.

Jessie and I went to the park both Saturday and Sunday mornings. Saturday was grey, overcast, damp and chilly. Not many creatures around, except the Mallard couples and a few Canada geese. Sunday was brighter, a little warmer. Many many birds. I'm still working on my "Birding by Ear" CDs, listening and trying to remember, and one very common bird song I hear in the park is "Old Sam Peabody Peabody Peabody Peabody" - that's what it sounds like. Jessie and I were walking through the tulip garden - about 80% of which are now blooming - and I heard that song from very close by. I thought, "I want to SEE the bird making that song," and suddenly, there it was. A tiny brown/black and white thing on a bush right next to me. It's a White Throated Sparrow. It's song is much bigger than it is.

David and I drove down to the shore yesterday. We went to Ender's Island where there is an Episcopal-run retreat perched on the edge of Ender's Island and so surrounded by the water of Long Island Sound. There is a little public chapel open to the sea air. People come there and leave notes to God, prayers for the deceased, the sick, themselves. Little tokens - rosaries, stones, shells, candles. It's a moving place. (I admit I sometimes read some of the notes if it is possible to do so without disturbing them too much; yesterday there was one in which the author wrote to God to ask for help in dealing with his/her problems and so forth. They signed it, and then there was p.s. that read: "P.S. Keep up the good work." I love that.) We also went to Napatree Point beach in Rhode Island and walked for a long way. The sun was coming through incredible clouds. It was windy and cold, but beautiful.

Overall I am doing well, better every day. No more pills (I think I wrote here that Nurse E called and said my vitamin B-6 level was too high so to stop the B vitamins and also the magnesium.) I also stopped taking Senna, the plant based laxative, although I am keeping it close. I was having a touch of D - the small D rather than the big D - and stopped for a day and just didn't go back. So far, so good.

I've had a good first week of getting back to normal. Unfortunately now my attention is turning to a week from today when I have the CT scan, which I find I still am dreading. I think I am dreading it for 2 reasons, although until now I have focused on only the first. The first is the horrid experience of being forced to drink cold what seems like a gallon of cold barium in 45 minutes. But the other reason that I am beginning to identify and own up to is just plan old anxiety about what the CT scan will show. Of course I expect the chemo/radiation/chemo to have worked, but.... But what if it didn't? Do I think there is a "good" chance of that? Intellectually I guess I don't think so. Emotionally, I guess intellect doesn't matter very much. The fear is still there.

Tonight back to Tai Chi.

Soon I will sit down and write about my thoughts on the future of this blog. But not quite yet. My immediate thought is to keep writing until I get through the CT scan and follow up visits with Dr. M (the gynecological oncologist) and Dr. R (the medical oncologist who has shepherded me through chemo).

Peace to all as we approach the 40th anniversary of Earth Day.