Wednesday morning

I'm feeling better. Later this morning is my appointment with Dr. R (after blood work). She should have the CT scan results. I keep telling myself I'm not nervous - what evil cells could still be lurking within me after the past 6 months? But I find I am a little nervous. One good thing to report to Dr. R is that the neuropathy in my feet seems to be slightly better; still there, but not as intensely. That gives me hope that with time it will diminish and eventually cease. I hope. On the other hand, I find myself frustrated with the persistence of weakness and fatigue. It's as if I "feel" - emotionally, mentally - good, even very good. But physically I can't stand up to that feeling. I'm weak. I'm tired. More now - when treatment is over - than during treatment. Of course, the treatment is cumulative, so the increased weakness and fatigue makes sense. Intellectual sense. Not emotional sense (is that an oxymoron?). At any rate, today is 3 weeks since the last chemo. In the past, I would have had another chemo today. But not this time; this time I'm done. I need patience. My guess is that 3 weeks from today, I'll notice an improvement.

Jessie and I were able to go to the park this morning (because I'm not going in to the office until after my appointment with Dr. R). We got there early - 6:00 a.m. - but the sun was already well over the horizon. This weekend I really want to try to get there earlier, as the sun is just poking its yellow head up. One thing I noticed today is that all of the female Mallards were ... missing ... while the pond was full of male Mallards swimming around aimlessly in circles. First I thought they must be unattached males who failed to find partners. Then I realized there were too many of them, and no females at all were visible. I kept wondering what it was they reminded me of - then I knew: they were like expectant fathers pacing outside the hospital delivery room in the days before fathers joined mothers to support them during the birthing experience. I think the Mallards have made their nests, perhaps in the brambles and brushy areas that edge the pond in many places, and the females are sitting on the nests and have kicked the males out, at least for the time being. I'll have to try to read about the Mallards' nesting habits and see if I could be right. It was a beautiful morning in the park. When we arrived, even with the sun up, the pond still had that horizontal halo-like effect of fog rising from its surface. Temperature difference I guess; likely the water was actually warmer than the air. But beautiful. Many birds singing The tulips likewise singing their colors. It was so cold last night, there were frost warnings in some areas. I saw some plants that seemed to have suffered from it. An odd spring - starting with 92 degrees a month ago and dipping to 32 or 33 degrees at the end of April.

One more thing. I have signed up to walk (not run) in the 2010 Komen Connecticut Race for the Cure. This is a race to raise money to fund breast cancer research. I decided some time ago that after my treatment finished, I would start to participate in a variety of events that raise consciousness about cancer, support cancer survivors and raise fund for research. This will be my first effort, and it feels personal to me because my mother had breast cancer twice, my mother-in-law (my kids' grandmother) died of breast cancer in her 50's, and although I had surgery to remove what I was told at the time (back in 2003) was "pre-cancer," Dr. R told me that's what they used to call a certain kind of cancer. So, according to her, I had breast cancer myself, just so early that all I needed was surgery, no radiation, etc. At any rate, if anyone cares to pledge any amount, however small, to support my effort in the Komen Race for the Cure this year, of course, I would appreciate it. But no one should feel obligated in any sense.

The place to read about the event or to pledge is:

http://transaction.komenct.org/site/TR/Race/NewWrapperRace?px=1382552&pg=personal&fr_id=1150

Thanks in advance!

After I see Dr. R and get my CT scan results, I'll try to let people know what she said.

Meanwhile, Peace to all - even to the Republicans blocking debate let alone a vote on Obama's and the Democrats' pitifully inadequate financial reform legislation. Schooling myself to not say/think/write -" except for the Republicans..." - is about as stomach-turningly difficult as downing a mocha barium cocktail, but perhaps both are worth the effort.

Peace.