Monday morning

Things change, don't they?

Jessie took a turn for the worse on Friday and I feared the worst. She was very weak, had thrown up. I called and talked to her vet. We decided to take her in. Her vet was booked, but we could wait for the first available. She seemed a little better afterwards and I almost changed my mind about going in. In the end, we went in and waited and eventually saw Dr. R, a very nice young Hispanic vet. She took Jessie to the back, did blood tests, an x-ray, felt her abdomen looking for fluid. The bad news was that the "mass" appears a little bigger and possibly affecting her liver. The good news was no fluid (which I gather would be a bad sign). Also the vet said Jessie "fought" them when having the blood drawn, x-ray made, etc., which the vet said surprised her and was good sign. Jessie got a couple of shots to help with her vomiting and diarrhea and we were told to not feed that that night, then starting the next day, small meals 3-4 times a day of a bland diet - chicken and rice - and to give her Pepcid. So that;s what we've been doing all weekend.

She's definitely feeling worse than a week ago. All day Saturday and Sunday, she would not get up on the couch or bed, generally her favorite resting places. She had to be coaxed to go outside, and sometimes to eat. When she did go out, she didn't want to go far. At 1:30 a.m. last night she went out with David, but just in the yard, ate and he got her to get up on the couch. This morning I just fed her - and she ate with energy - and we walked around the entire block. I think it's a vicious cycle: she feels week so she doesn't want to give the effort to jump up on the couch. Then she gets stiff and sore from being on the floor, which reinforces not wanting to give the effort.... Anyway, when we got back from walking she jumped on the bed, where she is now resting (and David is snoozing - he was up from midnight until 6:00 a.m.)

Poor Jessie. It's hard to know what to do. The vet said on Friday that for what it was worth, she did not believe Jessie was in pain. Discomfort, yes, at times, but not pain. The vet also said that this is all "normal" with this type of sarcoma - bad days and better days and worse days. You would think I would understand this from my own experience, but it's different. I was going through "treatment" that did have cycles to it - ups and downs - but most important, an overall goal and end which was - thank God - not death. This is more like hospice care.

I remember sitting in the hospital with my mother about a month before she passed away, in the evening. I said I would stay with her and sent others home. I sat by her bed and held her hand. She shifted in uneasy sleep. She groaned. She was so thin, a skeleton wrapped in long stringy sinews covered by papery skin. I told her it was okay to let go, to rest. I thought as much as I didn't want her to die, I didn't want her to suffer and she so seemed to be suffering. And I remember thinking, "Let it be now." It would be a good time and a good way to die - in the quiet of the night, with someone who loved you holding you, talking to you, not alone, not with a stranger, not while medical personnel "worked on" you. But she did not die that night but a few weeks later after my brother and I, my kids had all gone home.

Anyway, I'm not suggesting Jessie is a human being, but she is a living creature and a loved soul. And I feel I have responsibility for ensuring she not suffer. And that's hard.

Peace.