I'm taking the day off of work because I still have 3 vacation days left (not counting the 5 that I am allowed to "carry over") and stand to lose them otherwise. That means I have started a 4-day weekend as we have tomorrow off because New Year's day falls on the weekend.
In the end this part of CT received about 8-10 inches of snow here, although more (and in some cases less) in some other parts of CT. NYC - 30 inches. Places in NJ - 32. It shut down airports across the NE. Echoes of England and Moscow. The BBC reported the other night that stranded passengers in Moscow airports protested. Good for them.
On Tuesday, as I was shutting down my computer and getting ready to leave early because of the appointment at 4 pm with Dr. M, his office called. At 1:15 pm. Yes, to again postpone the appointment. The 4th appointment date/time and 3rd postponement. Originally scheduled 11/30. Postponement 1 to 12/20. Postponement 2 to 12/28. Now postponed to 2/22. His office wanted to reschedule for 1/6, but I see Dr. R on 1/18, and the original follow-up plan - as I (at least) understand it - was to see one or the other of them every 6 weeks, not both of them 10 days apart. So I suggested postponing seeing Dr. M until late February. Of course his office had to check with him. That took a day. But he agreed. I told the girl from his office I would bet her a coffee that the 4th appointment date/time gets postponed yet again. Presumably he must believe I am doing okay; if I trust him - and I do (or think I still do at this point) - then I have to believe he would find a way to see me sooner if he felt he needed to see me sooner. I don't think Dr. R will postpone. She'll just be late. That's her M.O.
When you are actually a "cancer patient" (meaning - going through treatment), none of this stuff gets to you. You feel so vulnerable, and so much at mercy of the medical team that is providing your treatment, and at the same time, you also feel so grateful for receiving the treatment, that you take whatever is dished out without complaint (I remember the lovely woman, L, I met in the group chemo room one day who had to wait more than 6 hours to receive a blood transfusion! She and her husband and I had a long talk. I hope and pray she is hanging in there; she was dealing with a recurrence of lymphoma, I think. I ask anyone reading this to join me in sending thoughts and prayers her way). At the same time, when you are an actual "patient," at least it seemed to me as if less were dished out and more care was taken to keep appointments, to be on time, etc. Therefore, perhaps the lesson to take from facing the frustrations of going back to being treated in the "normal" way is to see it as a sign of progress and even "health." I'll have to (try to) keep that in mind when Dr. R is late and Dr. M's office calls to postpone another appointment.
Hoping to take Ella to the dog park today, although I'm not sure what it will be like since it's likely to be covered in snow. I guess the dogs will enjoy that.
Peace.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday morning
Under a "winter storm warning" and waiting for 10-20 inches of snow, supposedly to start falling around 1:00 p.m. We'll see. These weather people tend to exaggerate.
Yesterday Ella and I went to the park. It was quiet. No creatures stirring, barely even squirrels. The pond is thoroughly iced up, the north side with interesting patterns in the ice, like darker veins.
It's hard when the entire Western World is commercializing Christmas to not be aware of the particularity of the day and then to recall what was going on in my life a year ago. It's hard to look back and recall those days and be realistic about how I was feeling then. I recall my children's visit here last December and my son remarking how healthy I seemed. That's what steroids will do for you during chemo, I guess. At any rate, now I do feel healthy, but creepingly older ... as in joints hurting, old injuries - broken bones in one foot, twisted knee and torn ligament in an ankle - all complaining, especially as the air pressure lowers and a storm approaches
I see Dr. M on Tuesday - assuming he doesn't postpone for the 3rd time. I'm looking forward to the visit, actually.
Then a new year. One that takes my daughter to Haiti, that brings a Republican majority to Congress, that sees millions of people in this country still without jobs - and even in that position being better off than so many millions upon millions of others across this globe.
Can't we take small steps toward peace, justice, equality and good will in 2011?
Peace.
Yesterday Ella and I went to the park. It was quiet. No creatures stirring, barely even squirrels. The pond is thoroughly iced up, the north side with interesting patterns in the ice, like darker veins.
It's hard when the entire Western World is commercializing Christmas to not be aware of the particularity of the day and then to recall what was going on in my life a year ago. It's hard to look back and recall those days and be realistic about how I was feeling then. I recall my children's visit here last December and my son remarking how healthy I seemed. That's what steroids will do for you during chemo, I guess. At any rate, now I do feel healthy, but creepingly older ... as in joints hurting, old injuries - broken bones in one foot, twisted knee and torn ligament in an ankle - all complaining, especially as the air pressure lowers and a storm approaches
I see Dr. M on Tuesday - assuming he doesn't postpone for the 3rd time. I'm looking forward to the visit, actually.
Then a new year. One that takes my daughter to Haiti, that brings a Republican majority to Congress, that sees millions of people in this country still without jobs - and even in that position being better off than so many millions upon millions of others across this globe.
Can't we take small steps toward peace, justice, equality and good will in 2011?
Peace.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday afternoon
Feeling better. Had a good visit with J and V in NYC yesterday - long bus rides, but even that time was relaxing in that I read and listened to podcasts. And got out of work early today. Here it is 4 pm and I'm home. Taking Ella to the vet for a booster shot in about an hour. After that... it's a 3 day weekend.
Peace on earth. Now if possible.
Peace on earth. Now if possible.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday night
This is Ella. I've been feeling how she seems to look in this photo (although actually this is just one of Ella's quirks: she lays her big head with long goofy ears down on anything she can; here, the arm of the couch.)
It's been a rough week or so, mostly because of work. Without going into details, I think there is a growing possibility that I will be laid off in the foreseeable future. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic or paranoid and at the same time face up to what seem to be a growing pile of little factoids. 18 months ago my worry would have been strictly financial - could I find another job that paid enough to live on. Now I have to worry if I can find another job at all, and if I could do so, whether it would offer medical insurance, and if it did, whether my being a cancer survivor would cause the insurance company to refuse to cover a "pre existing condition." I think I am the most "at risk" because I am the only non-lawyer in the group. The people making these decisions (all lawyers themselves, naturally) "naturally" believe that a lawyer is always more "efficient," more "cost effective," bringing more "value" than a non-lawyer. (What do you call 22 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the difference between a lady lawyer and a pig? Lipstick. Why do you always need to bury a lawyer at least 15 feet down? Because deep down a lawyer is a decent person. ... etc. etc.) I spent last weekend freaking out, actually having nightmares about work. Then this week fear turned to depression.
I think the fact that my daughter is in Atlanta with the rest of my family (except my aunt and my cousins) - my son, daughter in law, grandson, brother, my kids' aunt and cousins, their dad and his girlfriend - and I can't join them makes me blue. Especially as my daughter heads down to Florida to make a Jan 3 flight to Haiti where she will be for at least several months. And maybe the holidays just bring with them a blanket of blue.
But mostly, it's horrible at work, maneuvering, manipulation, politics, all likely preliminary to outright backstabbing and worse. And then, you manage to take just a step or two back and get a little objectivity and you realize how self-absorbed you are being. If you do get laid off, at least you HAD a job, a job that paid well; at least you HAD insurance when it mattered most - when you had cancer. At least you eat every night, you have clean running water, a roof over your head and heat. And that's just the start of how lucky you are. You have loving family and friends who themselves have the foregoing. And of late, you also have a very very goofy new dog.
So on to happier subjects: tomorrow I'm going to NYC to visit with J and V from California. A real treat, first to be away from work, second to pass through NYC at holiday time with a no shopping agenda, and most of all, to see J and meet V!
Meanwhile, another photo of Ella in her Yoda The Wise pose. Ella - you will only be dragging me around the block for a few more weeks. Basic dog obedience classes begin on January 9th!
Peace. Peace. Peace.
It's been a rough week or so, mostly because of work. Without going into details, I think there is a growing possibility that I will be laid off in the foreseeable future. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic or paranoid and at the same time face up to what seem to be a growing pile of little factoids. 18 months ago my worry would have been strictly financial - could I find another job that paid enough to live on. Now I have to worry if I can find another job at all, and if I could do so, whether it would offer medical insurance, and if it did, whether my being a cancer survivor would cause the insurance company to refuse to cover a "pre existing condition." I think I am the most "at risk" because I am the only non-lawyer in the group. The people making these decisions (all lawyers themselves, naturally) "naturally" believe that a lawyer is always more "efficient," more "cost effective," bringing more "value" than a non-lawyer. (What do you call 22 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the difference between a lady lawyer and a pig? Lipstick. Why do you always need to bury a lawyer at least 15 feet down? Because deep down a lawyer is a decent person. ... etc. etc.) I spent last weekend freaking out, actually having nightmares about work. Then this week fear turned to depression.
I think the fact that my daughter is in Atlanta with the rest of my family (except my aunt and my cousins) - my son, daughter in law, grandson, brother, my kids' aunt and cousins, their dad and his girlfriend - and I can't join them makes me blue. Especially as my daughter heads down to Florida to make a Jan 3 flight to Haiti where she will be for at least several months. And maybe the holidays just bring with them a blanket of blue.
But mostly, it's horrible at work, maneuvering, manipulation, politics, all likely preliminary to outright backstabbing and worse. And then, you manage to take just a step or two back and get a little objectivity and you realize how self-absorbed you are being. If you do get laid off, at least you HAD a job, a job that paid well; at least you HAD insurance when it mattered most - when you had cancer. At least you eat every night, you have clean running water, a roof over your head and heat. And that's just the start of how lucky you are. You have loving family and friends who themselves have the foregoing. And of late, you also have a very very goofy new dog.
So on to happier subjects: tomorrow I'm going to NYC to visit with J and V from California. A real treat, first to be away from work, second to pass through NYC at holiday time with a no shopping agenda, and most of all, to see J and meet V!
Meanwhile, another photo of Ella in her Yoda The Wise pose. Ella - you will only be dragging me around the block for a few more weeks. Basic dog obedience classes begin on January 9th!
Peace. Peace. Peace.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Saturday morning
Ella and I went to the park this morning. Cold. The pond was covered with ice which was covered with a very, very thin layer of snow. Only a trace of snow on the ground. No ducks. Where do they go? It seems to me that this time last year - of course, I was just getting into the chemo routine - but it seems to me that the ducks were around longer. Perhaps they have just ... moved ... temporarily. I guess I'll find out.
I went to a wake this week, M - a woman I knew through work, a wonderful person. She was the account rep for one of the suppliers we deal with and I negotiate contracts with. She became a kind of role model for me; someone who was always professional, courteous, but not formal or cold. Warm and personable. Always calm. Always listening. She became a friend. Less than a year ago she retired, after 30 years on the job. I knew we'd miss her, but I was happy that she would have more time with her family, kids, grandkids. Then about 4 months ago, I learned through people at her former company that she had been diagnosed with Corticobasal degeneration, a degenerative brain disease that is very rare and quite horrible. It seems to combine the physical degeneration of Parkinson's type conditions with the mental degeneration of Alzheimer's and then speeds up both degenerations to destroy - physically and mentally - its victim over a very short period of time. At any rate, M died this week- age 66 - after a last year more terrible than can even be imagined. May she rest in peace. May M's memory be a blessing for her family and for each of us who were graced with having known her.
My daughter prepares to go to Haiti to work early in January. Meanwhile the Haitian people are in the streets, raising fists and voices. And Cholera slinks through the camps to strike more and more. There is a Yiddish word - shanda - it means shame. But in a sense that we don't seem to have a real word for in English or in the Western sensibility. At any rate, Haiti is a shanda on the West, the industrialized countries of the world, and the U.S. in particular. To permit Haiti to suffer as it does ... a shanda. I again urge each of you to buy a calendar from S.O.I.L., whose work is only a small step forward, but important.
On a lighter note, I installed my roller-feeder bird feeder. So far, no birds have found it, or perhaps they are puzzled but its odd shape or perhaps I didn't fill it correctly. I intend to check later today. However, the good news is that the evil little rodent monster squirrels have found it and been foiled! I didn't see this, but this is David's report: a squirrel scrambled up the pole that holds the feeder, just as it had done successfully with the old feeder. It reached out its grasping little claws to grab the new rollerfeeder, and when it did, the rollerfeeder turned and the squirrel had to make a quick decision -let go of the pole and hang from the roller feeder? Or let go of the roller feeder? It chose the latter and then found itself trying to hold onto the pole with its little claws. Instead it slid down the pole.... rrrrrrrrr.... plop. Ha! Foiled! Since it's dark when I go to work and dark when I get home, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing the squirrels being foiled yet. I'm hoping to enjoy that experience this weekend. Thanks again to my friend H for the tip on roller feeders!
Dr. M, my primary oncologist, called last week to again postpone my next check up. Now scheduled for December 28th. This time the postponement didn't take me aback. I called and made an appointment in January with my opthomologist. I was on the point of having cataract surgery before Cancer came knocking. I think I need to think about it next year, but in the meantime, I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription.
Enough. A wish for peace to each and all, near and far.
I went to a wake this week, M - a woman I knew through work, a wonderful person. She was the account rep for one of the suppliers we deal with and I negotiate contracts with. She became a kind of role model for me; someone who was always professional, courteous, but not formal or cold. Warm and personable. Always calm. Always listening. She became a friend. Less than a year ago she retired, after 30 years on the job. I knew we'd miss her, but I was happy that she would have more time with her family, kids, grandkids. Then about 4 months ago, I learned through people at her former company that she had been diagnosed with Corticobasal degeneration, a degenerative brain disease that is very rare and quite horrible. It seems to combine the physical degeneration of Parkinson's type conditions with the mental degeneration of Alzheimer's and then speeds up both degenerations to destroy - physically and mentally - its victim over a very short period of time. At any rate, M died this week- age 66 - after a last year more terrible than can even be imagined. May she rest in peace. May M's memory be a blessing for her family and for each of us who were graced with having known her.
My daughter prepares to go to Haiti to work early in January. Meanwhile the Haitian people are in the streets, raising fists and voices. And Cholera slinks through the camps to strike more and more. There is a Yiddish word - shanda - it means shame. But in a sense that we don't seem to have a real word for in English or in the Western sensibility. At any rate, Haiti is a shanda on the West, the industrialized countries of the world, and the U.S. in particular. To permit Haiti to suffer as it does ... a shanda. I again urge each of you to buy a calendar from S.O.I.L., whose work is only a small step forward, but important.
On a lighter note, I installed my roller-feeder bird feeder. So far, no birds have found it, or perhaps they are puzzled but its odd shape or perhaps I didn't fill it correctly. I intend to check later today. However, the good news is that the evil little rodent monster squirrels have found it and been foiled! I didn't see this, but this is David's report: a squirrel scrambled up the pole that holds the feeder, just as it had done successfully with the old feeder. It reached out its grasping little claws to grab the new rollerfeeder, and when it did, the rollerfeeder turned and the squirrel had to make a quick decision -let go of the pole and hang from the roller feeder? Or let go of the roller feeder? It chose the latter and then found itself trying to hold onto the pole with its little claws. Instead it slid down the pole.... rrrrrrrrr.... plop. Ha! Foiled! Since it's dark when I go to work and dark when I get home, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing the squirrels being foiled yet. I'm hoping to enjoy that experience this weekend. Thanks again to my friend H for the tip on roller feeders!
Dr. M, my primary oncologist, called last week to again postpone my next check up. Now scheduled for December 28th. This time the postponement didn't take me aback. I called and made an appointment in January with my opthomologist. I was on the point of having cataract surgery before Cancer came knocking. I think I need to think about it next year, but in the meantime, I'm pretty sure I need a new prescription.
Enough. A wish for peace to each and all, near and far.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday morning
Gosh, more than a week since I last wrote here and that only to say Happy Thanksgiving! I'm writing on Friday morning because I took 1/2 day vacation today; I'll go in to the office in an hour or so.
Today was a milestone. I got my haircut for the first time in more than a year. A year ago the day after Thanksgiving, my friend H took me to her stylist who shaved my head. Today I went back to L, the stylist, and she trimmed my chemo-curls. Kind of short, but this way I should only have to go back every 8 weeks or so.
We adopted Ella and are continuing to enjoy getting to know her. She has a canine sense of humor. She will lay on the floor on her side or back and toss one of her "toys" in the air and try to catch it when it comes down. She has very large paws and, in general, is a BIG girl. The Rescue Group's "ad" on line about her said she weighed about 50 pounds, but I took her to the vet last night - just for a check-in/check-up, and she weighed 69 pounds - a 19 pound difference - and she's not through filling out. She was very thin when she came to us and the vet thinks she should weigh around 72 or 73 pounds! She's very long - from the tip of her brown (not black! I'm used to black noses) nose to the end of her soft curly tan tail. She has what I call a "girly dog" bark - I am used to a deeper bark from Jessie, and Ella kind of squeak-barks. She likes to stand with her paws on the radiator cover and look out the window, hunting squirrels and generally checking things out.
We have been to the park a few times, most recently last weekend. There was ice forming on the pond, not thick or deep, just a silvery skim. Then we had warm days, and now cold again. This weekend my guess is there will be more ice.
Thanks again to my friend H I ordered a new bird feeder to hang in front of our living room windows. The one I hung there earlier this year was discovered by the evil cabal of squirrel thieves that apparently call the trees in our yard home. The dastardly little rodents are able to claw their way up the 1/2 inch square metal pole - how I don't know - and then leap to the edge of the feeder, causing it to rock wildly, hang on and grab seeds. They've eaten most of the last 2 refills. I've given up filling the feeder until the new one comes. It is called a "rollerfeeder" (check it out: rollerfeeder.com) and H says since she installed it, the squirrel thieves in her neck of the neighborhood are completely foiled. She said they got on it a couple times - and when they do, the feeder "spins" so they hang on the bottom or something and anyway, can't reach the seed. After a couple of tries, they gave up She says they sit on the deck below where the feeder hangs (where they could reach it) and stare at it. I assume the gears of their little rodent minds are turning as fast as they're capable of, seeking a solution. Hopefully they won't find it - or evolve higher intelligence - at least in my lifetime. The new feeder hasn't arrived yet - maybe today! I can't wait to ruin the nasty little rodents' day.
Wow - some hostility towards squirrels, right? I bought a "bird feeder," not a "squirrel feeder". Those squirrels seem to have no trouble feeding themselves.
At any rate, that's an update on the personal side.
Wiki Leaks in the news. Long term unemployment at rates never seen, and Congress in its spineless capitalist-loving wisdom, did not renew unemployment benefits. A year since the earthquake in Haiti, almost, and in one month recently 30,000 new cholera cases. I read that they brought in porta-potties (Western style like for Rock Festivals!) which have to be emptied, but there's no technology to do that, so then they have to pay a company much $$ to haul the filled porta-pots away, dump them in a rubbish dump (which just lets the sewage seep back into the ground) and bring them back. Great solution - recycling the waste literally "through" the human community - by collecting it, paying someone to move it and dump it on the ground, so it gets in the water where people drink it, and then get diarrhea (or worse - cholera).
Where have all the flowers gone?
Today was a milestone. I got my haircut for the first time in more than a year. A year ago the day after Thanksgiving, my friend H took me to her stylist who shaved my head. Today I went back to L, the stylist, and she trimmed my chemo-curls. Kind of short, but this way I should only have to go back every 8 weeks or so.
We adopted Ella and are continuing to enjoy getting to know her. She has a canine sense of humor. She will lay on the floor on her side or back and toss one of her "toys" in the air and try to catch it when it comes down. She has very large paws and, in general, is a BIG girl. The Rescue Group's "ad" on line about her said she weighed about 50 pounds, but I took her to the vet last night - just for a check-in/check-up, and she weighed 69 pounds - a 19 pound difference - and she's not through filling out. She was very thin when she came to us and the vet thinks she should weigh around 72 or 73 pounds! She's very long - from the tip of her brown (not black! I'm used to black noses) nose to the end of her soft curly tan tail. She has what I call a "girly dog" bark - I am used to a deeper bark from Jessie, and Ella kind of squeak-barks. She likes to stand with her paws on the radiator cover and look out the window, hunting squirrels and generally checking things out.
We have been to the park a few times, most recently last weekend. There was ice forming on the pond, not thick or deep, just a silvery skim. Then we had warm days, and now cold again. This weekend my guess is there will be more ice.
Thanks again to my friend H I ordered a new bird feeder to hang in front of our living room windows. The one I hung there earlier this year was discovered by the evil cabal of squirrel thieves that apparently call the trees in our yard home. The dastardly little rodents are able to claw their way up the 1/2 inch square metal pole - how I don't know - and then leap to the edge of the feeder, causing it to rock wildly, hang on and grab seeds. They've eaten most of the last 2 refills. I've given up filling the feeder until the new one comes. It is called a "rollerfeeder" (check it out: rollerfeeder.com) and H says since she installed it, the squirrel thieves in her neck of the neighborhood are completely foiled. She said they got on it a couple times - and when they do, the feeder "spins" so they hang on the bottom or something and anyway, can't reach the seed. After a couple of tries, they gave up She says they sit on the deck below where the feeder hangs (where they could reach it) and stare at it. I assume the gears of their little rodent minds are turning as fast as they're capable of, seeking a solution. Hopefully they won't find it - or evolve higher intelligence - at least in my lifetime. The new feeder hasn't arrived yet - maybe today! I can't wait to ruin the nasty little rodents' day.
Wow - some hostility towards squirrels, right? I bought a "bird feeder," not a "squirrel feeder". Those squirrels seem to have no trouble feeding themselves.
At any rate, that's an update on the personal side.
Wiki Leaks in the news. Long term unemployment at rates never seen, and Congress in its spineless capitalist-loving wisdom, did not renew unemployment benefits. A year since the earthquake in Haiti, almost, and in one month recently 30,000 new cholera cases. I read that they brought in porta-potties (Western style like for Rock Festivals!) which have to be emptied, but there's no technology to do that, so then they have to pay a company much $$ to haul the filled porta-pots away, dump them in a rubbish dump (which just lets the sewage seep back into the ground) and bring them back. Great solution - recycling the waste literally "through" the human community - by collecting it, paying someone to move it and dump it on the ground, so it gets in the water where people drink it, and then get diarrhea (or worse - cholera).
Where have all the flowers gone?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)