It's been a rough week or so, mostly because of work. Without going into details, I think there is a growing possibility that I will be laid off in the foreseeable future. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic or paranoid and at the same time face up to what seem to be a growing pile of little factoids. 18 months ago my worry would have been strictly financial - could I find another job that paid enough to live on. Now I have to worry if I can find another job at all, and if I could do so, whether it would offer medical insurance, and if it did, whether my being a cancer survivor would cause the insurance company to refuse to cover a "pre existing condition." I think I am the most "at risk" because I am the only non-lawyer in the group. The people making these decisions (all lawyers themselves, naturally) "naturally" believe that a lawyer is always more "efficient," more "cost effective," bringing more "value" than a non-lawyer. (What do you call 22 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the difference between a lady lawyer and a pig? Lipstick. Why do you always need to bury a lawyer at least 15 feet down? Because deep down a lawyer is a decent person. ... etc. etc.) I spent last weekend freaking out, actually having nightmares about work. Then this week fear turned to depression.
I think the fact that my daughter is in Atlanta with the rest of my family (except my aunt and my cousins) - my son, daughter in law, grandson, brother, my kids' aunt and cousins, their dad and his girlfriend - and I can't join them makes me blue. Especially as my daughter heads down to Florida to make a Jan 3 flight to Haiti where she will be for at least several months. And maybe the holidays just bring with them a blanket of blue.
But mostly, it's horrible at work, maneuvering, manipulation, politics, all likely preliminary to outright backstabbing and worse. And then, you manage to take just a step or two back and get a little objectivity and you realize how self-absorbed you are being. If you do get laid off, at least you HAD a job, a job that paid well; at least you HAD insurance when it mattered most - when you had cancer. At least you eat every night, you have clean running water, a roof over your head and heat. And that's just the start of how lucky you are. You have loving family and friends who themselves have the foregoing. And of late, you also have a very very goofy new dog.
So on to happier subjects: tomorrow I'm going to NYC to visit with J and V from California. A real treat, first to be away from work, second to pass through NYC at holiday time with a no shopping agenda, and most of all, to see J and meet V!
Meanwhile, another photo of Ella in her Yoda The Wise pose. Ella - you will only be dragging me around the block for a few more weeks. Basic dog obedience classes begin on January 9th!
Peace. Peace. Peace.
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