Monday evening

Zap # 14 down, 11 zaps to go.

By Friday's zap #13, I was really wiped out and knew I needed the weekend to rest. David and I did go to my synagogue to a dinner Friday night but ended up leaving in the middle of the guest lecturer - it was 8:30 pm and that's about 60 minutes past my collapsing time.

On both Saturday and Sunday mornings Jessie and I had a good walk in the park - very cold, that bone shaking cold, but a good walk. Seemed pretty devoid of wildlife, even the birds seemed subdued and the usually ubiquitous squirrels were nowhere to be seen - to Jessie's immense disappointment. She lives in the unreasonable hope that she will one day catch one of the little critters, wring its little neck and ... and then what? I doubt her dog thoughts go further than that.

Later Saturday morning I met my girlfriends - V, S and M. That was good, although I wasn't feeling great and generally I had a kind of rough weekend. The Big D - diarrhea - appears to have found my address and moved in and made itself at home. For how long, I don't know. This is definitely not the result of suggestions from my doctor and nurse. This is the real thing. It definitely wears you out. I pulled out the sheet on diet that Nurse S - bless her unsympathetic little soul - gave me that gives guidance on low fiber foods vs. high fiber foods. How strange to spend decades teaching yourself to always choose high fiber only to end up not being able to tolerate it. Who thought a "diet" sheet would say that "any cheese" is okay but no raw fruits and vegetables are!

Anyway, I was kind of peaked all weekend and again today at work, although slightly better today, perhaps as a result of trying to steer clear of the "worst" high fiber foods. I am not going to Tai Chi tonight - which I usually love - but I am tired and I want to curl in a ball and lay low like a veg (but only a cooked veg, not raw!)

I'm feeling a little low in general, perhaps in response to hitting the half way mark of the cancer treatment. Supposedly having climbed the hill to this point, it's down hill from here back to "normal" - that's what various people - radiation technicians, Dr. VR, friends - keep reminding me. But I guess the reality of the whole thing is with me right now: Stage IIIA cancer; more chemo; seeing an oncologist every 3 months; more CT scans; on and on. It's never over; it's a changed life.

But ,,. life is good. And every day keeps the sun out a little longer and helps me believe that life is stirring in the cold veins of the trees and the tangled branches of the rhododendron scattered through the park. Somewhere warmer I like to think there is a laughing duck holding court, telling all who will listen about this great park in Connecticut that she's coming back to as soon as the buds burst out.

Peace.